Cornwall 2004

Avoid Newquay like the plague. During the day its full of topless red skinned youths. During the evenings its full of drunken topless red skinned youths.

Newquay must be the toilet of Cornwall and the people are'nt very friendly either. I had to ask in a sweet shop where the bus station was only to be told there was'nt one. On leaving the shop I discovered it was next door. They advertise 'Jamaica Inn' all over town but no buses go there!

The hotel made a big thing about its 'lift to the beach' but never worked once when I was there..

The 'traditional Cornish pasty' appears to come in all sorts of flavours except traditional!

Padstow - Now this is a nice place except that the bars appear to be populated by racists....

Scilly Isles - Pleasant enough but the food left something to be desired. I had a lasagne in a bar and it was probably the worst lasagne I have ever had.

Cornwall 2005

I decided this year to do part of the south West Coast Walk. From St Ives to Penzance. so this particular section is dedicated to my adventures and mishaps on that walk.....

This section starts from a beach in St Ives and is tarmac'd. No problem I thought, piece of cake. then within 20 minutes I am climbing over rocks, avoiding and stepping into bogs. This goes on for nearly 2 hours! Not only that but the coves are extremely steep!

Rather feebly I 'climb' down the rocks and back up again to the other side. But I first make sure there is no one within a mile either side of me. If there is I let them pass with th eexcuse I am admiring the view.

After 4 hours I draw out the map to see how far I am from my destination (Zennor) and it is with dismay that I see that I am nearer St Ives then I am to Zennor. But I do notice that there is footpath that leads off to a main road 2 miles over fields. what should I do? no question.... an hour and a half later I'm Zennor bound on a rickety old bus....

I settle into the Tinners Arms and after my fourth (or maybe fifth) Stella I'm studying the map and in walks in a couple who passed me on the walk.

"How did you get here so fast!!" the woman exclaimed.

Not wanting to reveal that I cheated I found myself saying that I took a shortcut.

The next thing I hear is her having a go at her husband for not following this "obviously more experienced walker".

My cue to leave....

From this point on I decide I will do some of the walk on the official path and some on the road. This way I should get a mix of scenery (and of course there are pubs on the road). It is worth pointing that the stiles that dot the paths appear to be, for the most part anyway, not a townies perception of a little wooden thing. Most of them seem to require a skill and are quite steep - you have been warned!

What is it about Cornwall and their food - in my experience it is (almost) universally disgusting!! My advice to anyone wanting to eat in Cornwall is to read the following first:

Dont eat in:

• A certain bed and breakfast in Zennor - Run by hippies and had to have a vegetarian breakfast which consisted of a soya sausage, a square hard thing which resembled a waffle but smelt like cardboard dipped in grease and a fried egg with the consistency of a tennis ball.
  
• A hotel in St Just - Just weird, settled down in restaurant for breakfast, only to be told 'this room is for families only - please go to the next room'. After checking that I did'nt have "PERVERT" stamped on my forehead I settled down to breakfast "in the next room" where we were limited to only one cup of coffee, had to pay 30 pence extra for additional toast and have the smallest breakfast I have ever seen.
  
• Finally a pub in Treen, near Porthcurno. Went to the bar to order food. Bizarrely I was told that I had to go next door to order it. Trundle next door. They ask "whats' the table number?" I trundle back and get number, return to next door, give order and table number, return back to the pub, table now occupied by someone else. I move to another table and keep eye out. Chicken and chips arrive and I explain that I have changed tables. The chicken is excreble, the chips (French fries) are cold and greasy. There is more meat in the ash tray than on my chicken. I decide to leave the meal. The guys at Howard Johnsons in NYC must come here for their training....

Coast to Coast - Easter 2006

Whitby - Pickhill

Start from Whitby - very nice fishing port with lots of character. Can see why its used a lot for 1950s/1960s filming.
Walk from Castleton on moor down to Lion Inn in the middle of Yorkshire Moors. The moors seem to go on for ever. Very very windy and in serious danger of getting blown down to the ravines or in front of traffic. Anyway, reach the Lion Inn after about 6 hours walking.

Nice place but staff not over friendly to say the least.

Following morning decide to bus it to Kirkybymoorside and walk to Thirsk.

Olde World Charm, heart of the Dales, Home of James Herriot - that's the publicity. BUT Thirsk is a dump!!!. Get JH souvenirs and retire to a pub for a much needed drink..

Coup[le of Yorkshire guys start taking p*** out of my London accent:

"Alwight Landan boy!!"
"Cockernee, Cockernee"

Decide to leave drink and walk th ethree/four miles to pub just outside Pickhill. - At this point I am changing pub and hotel names for reasons which will soon become obvious.

Just outside Pickhill there is a pub called The Red Lion. I stroll in there for a drink and sit down with a really cold lager, a red face and a heavy rucksack. One of the guys at the bar looks at me and says in a really broad Yorkie accent "Where ye walked fram mate"
"Today, from Kirkbmoorside" says I.
"Yow most be bloody mad!!" he says.
And for some strange, unfathomable reason I say (rather forcefully):
"Its for charity actually!!!OK!!
The bar goes quiet and the guy I was having a conversation with asks which charity.
Quick as anything and I dont know why I say "Cancer Research"
The guy then walks over and gives me a five pound note "Sorry mate, me old mum died she died of cancer, it a bloody good cause, well done"
The barman then walks over and gives me a tenner and says "well done" two other people give me pound coins and a child gives me some of her pocket money.

I am now in a bit of a fix all they need to do is to ask for some proof and I'm dead!

Hurriedlyt I say can I have a business card because it has to be above board and i will need to send a reciept. Ten minutes later I'm out of there.....

That night it does cross my mind that I could pull this in every pub I go into...

Postscript: I was given a total of £18 after thinking about it i wrote a cheque for Cancer Research upon my arrival back in London.

Pickhill - Grassington

To follow

Yorkshire Dales - December 2005

Friday 9th - the start
Arrive at Northallerton and wait for 156 bus to take me to Leyburn for a weekend of walking. For some reason the number on the front of these buses doesn’t match those at the bus stop timetable and I have to settle for a 157. After changing at Bedale I arrive in Leyburn where there is a very tatty market going on - its now 1.30pm and make my way to the Black Swan hotel.

On arrival I am told that there is no reservation for Gwillym but there is a one night for a Mr Guilliam. I have to point out the spelling mistake and tell them its definitely for three nights. Then of course the room isn’t ready and can I come back at 3' o clock - leaving my suitcase there naturally. They will 'take it to my room'.

Leyburn is an average town nowhere near as pretty as some of the Dales ones and does lack character. The first pub of call is the Bolton Arms where I have a delicious Dales pie basically mince, mash and cheese. This is accompanied by a pint of Fosters..

Arrive back at three, suitcase still where I left it and have to drag it up the stairs, the girl first cant find the room and when she does she struggles to get the door open. An ominous feeling comes over me as I enter the room.

I have stayed in some hellholes in my time but......

• The 'ensuite' comprises of a dodgy sink in the corner.
• The television comes complete with a plug but there are no points in the room to plug it into.
• Wall paper is peeling off the walls.
• Above the bed is 'fitted' (I use the word loosely) cupboards that appear to be made of other bits of furniture.
• The light is hanging precariously from the ceiling
• There are brackets on the wall but no shelves and the room is bloody cold!!

An early night is in order

Saturday 10th

Go down for breakfast, the room is virtually empty. I sit down but am told that my table is in the corner!!!

Anyways up to Aysgarth via Wensley, West Witton and West Constable. At West Constable stop at the Fox and Hounds for lunch. Have a great suet pudding and chips - massive portions and friendly staff - must have been bussed in from London.

Go to Aysgarth up some particularly steep hills, retire to pub for some Fosters ignoring the "Take thy shoes off" notice and then head back to hotel. Weather drizzly but the views are fantastic.

Stop in at Bolton Arms for a quick pint, usual miserable staff. Buy Private eye and retire for the evening

Sunday 11th

Decide to walk to Bolton Abbey. Pleasant views but train is rather run down. Reminds me of 1970's vandalised BR train. Spot pub with a Sunday lunch sign and decide to take advantage. Usual Yorkshire hospitality "have you booked?" - "er, well no actually", "I'll just check to see if we have space". He disappears before I could point out the fact that if he hasn’t got room then he should not f***ing advertise lunches.

Anyway he comes back and says there is a table available. Despite the landlords lack of customer service skills I stay and order the roast beef. As usual the food is fantastic and generous...

Get the train back to Leyburn Pleasant views but train is

Monday 12th

Breakfast was absolutely disgusting!! Beats NYC Grandmas chicken hands down for the worst ever meal!! Really glad to pack my bags and depart. But its not over yet. As I say my goodbyes the manager asks if I could settle up. now, this is a bit of a shock as I thought I had paid in full by cheque some weeks before. He shows me the 'book' were written in red is "Gwillym - £20 deposit paid" - this leaves a balance of £40. mmmmm........... this is a tad suspicious as when I saw the book on Friday there was nothing written in there except "Guilliam". Luckily there is a cash point opposite the 'hotel' and I apologise and pay up......

As I have some time to kill I get a bus to Hawes and have a look around. For the first time I get a postbus back to Leyburn. This is a journey I will repeat as it goes all over the place including all the backwater villages.

Back at Leyburn I catch bus to Northallerton and train back to London.

As a postscript I discovered that I had paid the hotel and write a (restrained)letter to the hotel asking for return of money - which they send back...

NYC New Years Eve 2004

December 2004

Air India

Last time we went to US we flew United Airlines, had wide seats, polite staff, decent food (for an airline anyway), free drinks, choice of DVD films that we could watch on screens that were embedded in back of seats, free earphones, blanket and pillow. I was looking forward to returning...

It was to be a pleasant 3 days in NYC and celebrate New Years Eve in Time Square.
Things start to go awry at Heathrow where we told at check-in that the plane had broken down and it would be delayed for 9 hours - ho hum - but we were given a restaraunt food voucher for £7.50 as 'compensation'.

After walking around Heathrow for a few hours we decided to use the voucher but discovered the cheapest meal from the restaraunt was a burger and chips for £8.50!!!

Anyways at this juncture I should point out that the airline was Air India and is probably the worst national airline in the world!!!!

We got to departure lounge and were told that no-one could have the seats that they were given at check-in and it was basically a free-for-all. This was because the plane was already half full with passengers from what was Bombay..

The plane was filthy, the rubbish had not been cleared, there were screaming babies, it was cramped. United Airlines this was'nt!!!!

Food was dire, drinks appeared to be rationed (oddly enough not beer), seats were very, very cramped. Pillow - pffft!, blanket - pffffft! entertainment consisted of a screen on a wall that proceeded to play two movies, one in (I think) Hindu and the other a poor quality US movie which did not appear to mean anything...

The staff were polite enough. But the whole cabin needed a good clean. there appeared to be mystery stains everywhere. The upholstery looked as though it had'nt been cleaned for years..

The return trip was even worse. The Air India ground staff at JFK were idiots. They would not open check-in, would not let people queue for check-in. They just stood around gossiping.

When we did check-in and pass through security we had to go through another level of security - apparently Air India has 'special security status' in the US which means extra vigilance. My son and I were advised to take through one piece of hand luggage between us. Yet a lot of the people travelling past UK had massive amounts of hand luggage - some of which could never qualify for hand luggage.


Worlds Worst Lunch

Now, I have eaten most things all over the world and possibly the worst area for food is Cornwall. However the worst meal I have ever eaten was in Howard Johnsons in NYC, opposite Virgin Megastore.

I wanted something traditionally American to eat and on the menu there was something called 'Gran'mas Southern fried Chicken with corn and mashed potato'. this sounded right and ordered.

What came back is hard to describe - is this a chicken? what is this white stuff with the consistency of soup? I tasted what I quickly assumed to be the mashed potato and then spat it out. The chicken looked as though it had been put in a deep fryer at a high temperature and left there for days. I could not find any meat at all. Essentially what I got was a large piece of bone and gristle.
It was the smell that finally did for me, when was the cooking oil last changed - when Us was a colony?

I left the whole meal because I felt naseous!

The meal cost $12 + $2 tip (I know....but I'm English)

Coming soon - Times Square